just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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