Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
