Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
