I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
