The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
