I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
