DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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