All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
