Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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