I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
