Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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