Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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