She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
