I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
