Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can't just leave with hair like that
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
