I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
