So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
