My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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