they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
