My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
