I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
