I faked an abortion last night.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
