I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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