Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
