i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
