My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
