she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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