I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
