Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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