her vagine was all disorganized.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
