Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i dont even know how to be here
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
