you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
