Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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