I accidentally burped into my bong.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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