the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
