Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
