i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
