If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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