I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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