i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
