dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
