I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
