I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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