I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
