Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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