my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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