I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
