He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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