i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
