Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
